Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Laugh

Thanks for the laughs, PeterT! These were great and you folks on the mailing list are in for a repeat (if anyone wants in on the mailing list just e mail me):

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely and sedately in
a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside on three flats, leaking
oil, thoroughly worn out, and loudly proclaiming..."WOW! What a ride

Things I have learned as I get older/"mature":

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have something else going for you.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away (altogether now--AMEN!!).

I've learned to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
*********************************************************************************************
BRITISH PUB SLANG (so be warned, these are gross. Half are so mean they're not listed here)

AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black b*x' (it's an airplane part that isn't black but orange).
BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 1 am in the morning.
BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught he beer scooter".
BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT The prosecution charge that you did willfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BUNNY-BOILER An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde -
could be a bunny boiler".
FREE THE TADPOLES Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the har*.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displayingstars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed fromthe outside, but there's actually f*ck-all in there worth seeing. (OK and the male equivalent is what??)
MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wakeup, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (No Beers Required) Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PICASSO ARSE A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.
WALLACE AND GROMIT Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen". *
********************************************************************************************
* DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go
by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
*********************************************************************************************
May the sun shine, all day long,everything go right, and nothing wrong.May those you love bring love back to you,and may all the wishes you wish come true!
*********************************************************************************************
Oh boy, The Stones Geriatric Tour.....

I'm so excited,
I just can't hide it,
I'm about to lose control (of my bladder).....


OK, you had a pretty good run boys .... move over and move on!

*********************************************************************************************
The wireless telephone is really taking off.....


I think these guys must be on a party line....
(no kids, not that kind of party, oh never mind)
*********************************************************************************************
So if the air conditioning in your Lincoln Continental is shot and you
don't have $1,200.00 to get it fixed, but you do have a generator, some
duct tape and a window shaker lying around....


Red Green would be proud of you. It's probably goint to hurt your gas mileage but ....
never mind, what was I thinking, it's a Lincoln!

*********************************************************************************************

5 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home