Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Thanks Peter!!

> Alaska Air Flight 438 > >
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a > memorable safety PA from Alaska Air Flight Attendants. > > In his own words....

> "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this week end, and the flight > attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane > looking > at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at > each > other is an accomplishment in itself.)

> > So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said, > so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is > most > of it." > >

Before takeoff...... > > Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going > to > San Francisco, you're in the right place. If > you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long > evening. > >

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this > aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane > is.....The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

> > There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and > one out the plane's rear end. > > If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by > your feet. That would be a really bad idea. > >

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the > rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises > to > find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights > on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones > along > the normal rows and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

> > In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down > over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight > attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I > promise.

> > If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a > small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you > are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to > decide > which one is your favorite. Help your favorite first, and then work your > way > down.

> > In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features > of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal > summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take > it out and play with it now.

> > Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and > tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, > insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- > not > a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane. HELLO !! >

> There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking > in > the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will > assume > you are on fire and we will put you out. This is a free service we > provide.

> > There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

> > We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me > check what it is ... Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is "Gone with the > Wind."

> > In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get > really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a > good > time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on > your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you > absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

> > We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for > choosing > Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's > anything > we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. > > If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing > ovation, wouldn't you?

> > After landing.......

> > Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

> > Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not > the > co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

> > Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in > history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even > try.

> > Please be careful opening the overhead bins because...."shift happens."

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