Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Probably an Urban Legend, But Funny

Below is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the MichiganDepartment of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the state's letter before you
get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11 N; R 1 OW, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Qualitythat there has been recent unauthorized activity on the abovereferenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legallandowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outletstream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start ofthis type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is inviolation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resourceand Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,annotated.

The department has been informed that one or both of the dams partiallyfailed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding atdownstream locations. We find that the dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and torestore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brushforming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall becompleted no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so thata follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure tocomply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the sitemay result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

incerely,


David L. Price,
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division~~~~~~~**

This is the actual response sent back:

**Re: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11 N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the 'state unauthorized' process ofconstructing and maintaining two wood ''debris" dams across the outletstream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended thatyou call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their damproject any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely statethere is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their damresourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond beavers or (2) do you require all beaverst hroughout this state to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of theMichigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, sothe state will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recentrain event causing flooding is proof that this is a naturaloccurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words,we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers. But if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoySpring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods!! I definitely believe youshould be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (Thebears are not careful where they dump!)Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contactyou on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers


$10 bucks says that they arrested the bears....

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