Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Letter from 'John Cleese' to the USA

Thanks for sending this Vic, my sides hurt from laughing....

>A new message from John Cleese
>To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent
>
>President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
>
>hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>
>independence, effective immediately.
>
>
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
>
>monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
>
>territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
>
>fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will
>
>appoint a governor for America without the need for
>
>further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
>
>disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
>
>year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown
>
>Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
>
>immediate effect:
>
>You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
>
>Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
>
>pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
>
>wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
>
>will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>
>'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
>
>'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
>
>suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'
>
>Generally, you will be expected to raise your
>
>vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
>
>
>
>Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
>
>filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
>
>unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>
>
>There is no such thing as US English. We will let
>
>Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
>
>spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
>
>the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
>
>You will relearn your original national anthem, God
>
>Save The Queen.
>
>
>
>July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
>
>
>You will learn to resolve personal issues without
>
>using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
>
>need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
>
>not adult enough to be independent.
>
>Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
>
>adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
>
>or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
>
>enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer
>
>be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
>
>than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
>
>you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>
>
>All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
>
>this is for your own good. When we show you German
>
>cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
>
>
>All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
>
>and you will start driving on the left with immediate
>
>effect.
>
>
>
>At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
>
>effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>
>Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>
>understand the British sense of humour.
>
>
>
>The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
>
>you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon.
>
>Get used to it.
>
>
>
>You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
>
>call French fries are not real chips, and those things
>
>you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
>
>crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
>
>
>
>and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>
>
>The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
>
>not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
>
>British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
>
>European brews of known and accepted provenance will
>
>be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
>
>referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
>
>can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
>
>
>Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
>
>English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
>
>required to cast English actors to play English
>
>characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
>
>English?dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
>
>experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
>
>cheese grater.
>
>
>
>You will cease playing American football. There is
>
>only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
>
>
>
>Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
>
>play rugby (which has some similarities to American
>
>football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
>
>every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
>
>armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
>
>
>Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
>
>reasonable to host an event called the World Series
>
>for a game which is not played outside of America.
>
>Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
>
>beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>
>
>You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
>
>mad.
>
>
>
>An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
>
>Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
>
>ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to
>
>1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation

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