Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Everybody Loves A Clown

Glad I wasn't eating anything when I read this! Thanks, Rob H!!

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor. The children began to say:
Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating
them
for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well" he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes
call your father"

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my
God! They're assholes!"
***********************************************
An oldie but goodie ....thanks Peter T

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"in this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abou ta sex? I'm a jus-ta tellin' my frienda how to spell MISSISSIPPI."
************************************************
And last but not least from Vic:

Here are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark>and Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of San Jose State>University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

>>10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind>in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

>>9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

>>8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,>unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep>azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for>competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied>description.">>

7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept>furtively along the east wall of the castle keep toward the secret door in>the wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'">>

6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was>about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to>become the woman he loved.">>

5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from>eeking out a living at a local pet store.">>

4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins>often do.">>

3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the>corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.">>

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning>of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in>the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

>>AND THE WINNER IS.....>>

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the>greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,>revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in>frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,>disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You>lied!"

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