Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Monday, August 08, 2005

When Will I see You Again

Actually this song is so bubble-gummy that I don't like it, however it's playing on a mosquito repellant commercial and now I can't get that thing out of my head....

It's amazing how quickly life turns. Today was really hot and humid. Over 30, and no way was I going outside. Sent out an incredible number of jokes, talked to some of my in-mate (office) buddies, even made good on an interview I ducked out of. Then my mother phones. She's having enough bleeding with no reason to be quite scared. Her doctor is fitting her in first thing tomorrow.

Now for those of you who are new to this blog, Mom and I are close. We are best buds, sisters....just quite close. She is NOT allowed to pass away before I do, so she's got to live to at least 120 whether she wants to or not (ha ha I'm not a control freak, am just sorta kidding here). Anyway, she is so common sensical that she's always helped me through crappy times. When my ex husband was telling me that he was leaving me (for a younger woman--how unoriginal), I stopped him in the middle of his speech to phone Mom and tell her what was going on.

So I'm not taking this very well either. Decided to arm Mom with the same kind of info I have, and that always helps me to feel better. So went to Chapters and bought her a copy of the Harvard University Medical Guide. It's easy to read, very thick, well written and amazingly cheap (the AMA version cost over $60 years ago, this thing was $36). Also bought other basic necessities for her: Godiva dark chocolate truffles, a box of fresh cut fruits and chocolate dipping sauce, and a 12 pack of (drum roll please) rum balls. Think that that stuff, plus the visit and info, helped her a lot. Oh yah I went over and read the stuff that might be involved to her.

Now am keeping my fingers crossed and praying for Mom. Please let this be anything but malignant cancer. OK? She's great people, so please make it something minor, OK??

Now for something completely different: HUMOR!!

Some of these jokes were sent to me, others I found today while looking for cooking jokes for a pal. But here they are in their unfettered glory, enjoy, steal, spread to your heart's content:

BEST OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGES

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I failto get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything atall.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you sendme until I return from holiday on August 4. Please be patient and yourmail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.
5.I've run away to join a different circus.
6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

**************************************************
You Might Be a Bad Cook If... (courtesy of http://www.mrsmegabyte.com/cook.html):

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. /Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols.
When you BBQ two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk.
Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.
The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware.
You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!
You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.
If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.
The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

These are from http://www.e-cookbooks.net/humor.htm (GREAT site)

The Top 10 Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties:

10. Dan Quayle's Harty Potatoe Soop
9. Exorcist Split Pea Soup
8. Matzoh Ball, Ham 'n' Hebrew Alphabet Noodles
7. Wonderbroth!
6. Manhattan Phlegm Chowder
5. Hearty Booger Bonanza
4. Stars 'n' Swastikas
3. Porn Chowder
2. Pigeon 'n' Carp flavored Cup-O-Gruel
... and the Number 1 Rejected Campbell's Soup Variety:
1. Chunky Liver with Fava Beans

The Top 10 Least-Used Kitchen Appliances:

10. Frigiderriere
9. Doorless Microwave
8. Electric Combination Slicer/Dicer/Dispose-of-the-Body-in-the-River Machine
7. Glock 9mm Drive-By Salad Shooter
6. Cat Compactor
5. Betty Crocker "EZ" Crystal Meth Cooker
4. Baby's First Microwave
3. Ronco Ice Cream Steamer
2. Popeil's Turkey Baster/Home Enema Kit
... and the Number 1 Least-Used Kitchen Appliance:
1. Frozen Squidsickle Maker

Hugs, Bridg

8 Comments:

  • At 8/08/2005 11:05:00 PM, Blogger .: raven :. said…

    girl .. if your mom is "bleeding" .. shouldn't you take her to the ER right away and not wait?

     
  • At 8/09/2005 09:35:00 AM, Blogger Mel said…

    My Mom is also my bestest friend.. we share everything. She, also, had a cancer scare once, so I know where you are at. You are BOTH in my thoughts. I hope all will turn out well!

    Oh, and I am now officially a bad cook.

     
  • At 8/09/2005 11:07:00 AM, Blogger bsoholic said…

    Yeah, I agree with raven, you should get her to a doctor stat!

    On the humor note, those are all really funny! Most of the 'you know your a bad cook if' apply to me.

     
  • At 8/09/2005 11:32:00 AM, Blogger European said…

    Hope your mom gets better quickly!


    Also am still thinking about the pig. Hmmm.

     
  • At 8/09/2005 06:51:00 PM, Blogger tshsmom said…

    In TOTAL agreement; get her to the doctor now!

     
  • At 8/09/2005 09:25:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Thank you each and every one. See tonight's post....yikes

    Bridg

    p.s. I so DO NOT think any of you guys, including Mel and bsoholic, are bad cooks! Anyone who can order pizza is a good cook as far as I'm concerned, lol!!

     
  • At 8/09/2005 10:18:00 PM, Blogger tshsmom said…

    I didn't watch all those episodes of Medical Center and Marcus Welby M.D. for nothin'!
    Maybe I should hang out my shingle?

     
  • At 8/09/2005 11:02:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    tshsmom, definitely you need to hang out a shingle!!!

    Raven too!

     

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