Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Tee Hee Hee

Peter's advice on keeping your mouth shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years ofdeposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him cer! tificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

********************************
And here's one from the other Peter

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00 !”

14 Comments:

  • At 8/23/2005 08:13:00 PM, Blogger Justice said…

    Those were too good...they both made me laugh. Thanks for sharing.

     
  • At 8/23/2005 08:17:00 PM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said…

    Is that what I have to look forward to when I get old?

    As for that couple, even with 10% interest (which is what the stock market as a whole did), they must have had a lot of sex.

     
  • At 8/23/2005 08:57:00 PM, Blogger LBseahag said…

    Greetings from Los Angeles...
    Thank you for the laughs...I will check back again~!

     
  • At 8/23/2005 09:25:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    TY Justice! Will keep 'em coming...

    ZS actually that pales compared to what you've already gone through with athletic injuries, not to worry lol...

    Hola lbseahag!! Welcome to the funny farm and TY for the compliment!

    Bridg

    p.s. do you BELIEVE this SPAM????

     
  • At 8/23/2005 09:51:00 PM, Blogger bsoholic said…

    LOL!!! The old people just about choked me on my beer. You should put a warning when extremly funny! ;)

     
  • At 8/23/2005 09:53:00 PM, Blogger bsoholic said…

    Oh and to answer a question you asked me on a few posts ago, the symbol I have as my picture is of the Decepticons, the bad guys on the comic/cartoon Transformers.

    I'm a geek.

     
  • At 8/23/2005 10:10:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    WEll I love geeks so there you go, bsoholic. Thanks again to jipzeecab for the info on spamelimination....Bridg...so the old folks are gettin' feisty eh???

    lol.

     
  • At 8/23/2005 11:58:00 PM, Blogger cookie said…

    Well, I don't think I'll make it to 50. PHEW!

     
  • At 8/24/2005 12:08:00 PM, Blogger Storm said…

    Hilarious! Love them. You made my day with those! :)

     
  • At 8/24/2005 02:53:00 PM, Blogger braindead said…

    really funny once again... and yea, like u said, keep them coming :)

     
  • At 8/24/2005 08:15:00 PM, Blogger Sherri said…

    Thanks for the laugh! :)

     
  • At 8/24/2005 09:53:00 PM, Blogger Adrian said…

    How cool are we men, huh?

     
  • At 8/25/2005 02:24:00 PM, Blogger Kris said…

    Bridget - I have answered your tag! :)

     
  • At 8/25/2005 02:38:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Andre, you gotta. Your parents/siblings/blog readers need ya, so there! Please?

    Storm, braindead and Sherri (welcome!), ty and will do my best to keep them coming, sorry I missed last night (feet were killing me...)

    Adrian you are the coolest guy! And Kris TY for answering the tag...goin' over there right now....Bridg

     

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home