Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Smile and Show Your Dimples!

An expression of my great-grandmother's.

Here are two of today's jokes....enjoy!

> Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down
and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog
won would be entitled to dominate the world.> >

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in
the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,
which gave him all the milk.> >

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had
ever seen. > >

Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near
it. > >

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. > It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. > >

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog
could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

> > When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and
slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

> > Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American
> Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened

its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.> >

There was nothing left of his dog at all. > >

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don'tunderstand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

> > "That's nothing," said Bush. > >

"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."
***********************************************
A physician claimed that the following are actual commentsmade by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectalexam:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no manhas gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that myhead is not up there."
***************************

10 Comments:

  • At 8/29/2005 09:18:00 PM, Blogger Justice said…

    Bush and his excuses for the war have me so pissed off right now that it's hard to laugh at any joke where he comes out the winner. I must admit I did like the anal jokes. *S*

     
  • At 8/29/2005 10:19:00 PM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said…

    but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

    That alone is funny, in a surreal way.

     
  • At 8/30/2005 12:26:00 AM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Justice, I sooooo agree with you. Hmm. wonder why I got the Bush and the anal jokes together...

    Thanks ZS! Woof!

     
  • At 8/30/2005 09:39:00 AM, Blogger Mel said…

    "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

    Totally going to use that at my next gyn exam!

     
  • At 8/30/2005 10:03:00 AM, Blogger Storm said…

    Love the anal comments! Yeah, I do have to wonder how you put the Bush joke and the anal comments together today! Interesting! LOL

     
  • At 8/30/2005 12:54:00 PM, Blogger .: raven :. said…

    i don't have dimples but those jokes were FUNNY!!!

    bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaa

     
  • At 8/30/2005 03:20:00 PM, Blogger tshsmom said…

    Those anal jokes aren't convincing me to have a colonoscopy ;(

     
  • At 8/30/2005 03:22:00 PM, Blogger Niccio Dartsmouth said…

    Oh my God thats funny as hell!

    you still have a way of bringing a smile to a tired old man :)

     
  • At 8/30/2005 08:13:00 PM, Blogger Gretchen said…

    Hysterical! Thanks for the best laugh I've had all day. :)

     
  • At 8/30/2005 11:37:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Mel please don't mention my name when you do (giggling)...tee heee

    Thank you Niccio, Storm and Raven. Yah, interesting pairing that....not planned, honest...

    HOWLING with laughter tshsmom! ME neither....and I sure don't want to talk to my cute male doctor about it either...

    Gretchen, welcome to the funy farm! Glad you all liked the jokes, will keep them coming...

     

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