Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Friday, July 15, 2005

The Comedy Bit

Believe it or not, that was actually a cut from a Jose Feliciano album (in the Stone Age before most of you were even inspirations...)....anyway, got the neatest selection of jokes in one e mail from Peter today. Here it is, completely unedited....enjoy Freakin' Friday!!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,Did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine"
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Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That'svery fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'lltry to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." (ba DUM bum!)
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
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It's A Matter of Priority
> > > At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto the> caretaker at your country house."
> > "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? "
> > "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
> > "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"> > "Si, that's the one."
> > "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he> die from?"> >
"From eating rotten meat."
> > "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
> > "Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
> > "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
> > "The thoroughbred, Seabiscuit Junior. He died from all that work pulling> the water cart."
> > "Are you insane? What water cart?
"> > "The one we used to put out the fire."
> > "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
> > "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
> > "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the> candle for?"
> > "For the funeral."
> > "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
> > "Your mother's ... she showed up one night out of the blue and I> thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike> Driver."
> > "Ernie, you little shit, if you broke that driver I'm gonna be really> pissed."
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> > >Women are like Apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
> > >tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good one's because they are
> > >afraid of falling and getting hurt. So instead, they just take the
> > >rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy... The
> > >apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
> > >they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along.
> > >The one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
> > >> > >> > >Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already
> > >been picked!
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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre,not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. (Bridg's slogan)
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4)You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Bridg

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