Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Boys Are Back In Town

More comedy from the mail sack. Going out with Bro and his wife (the nice one) for dinner to celebrate her bd which was July 14. Mom's already making me nuts (love her to bits tho)...here we go, courtesy of Vic ....friend of AGES past.. enjoy...Bridg

Stephen Wright-isms
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't now what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible......and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists. They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height.......which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self help "groups?"
Is there is another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?


Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too darn old!!
Zen for those who take life too seriously:
1. A day without sunshine is like, night
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers
3. I just got lost in thought … it wasn't familiar territory
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
6. Honk if you love peace and quiet
7. Remember, half the people you know are below average
8. He who laughs last, thinks slowest
9. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
10. Support bacteria … they're the only culture some people have
11. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week
12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
13. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
14. Get a new car for your spouse … it'll be a great trade
15. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
16. Always try to be modest and be proud of it
17. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
18. OK, so what’s the speed of dark
19. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink
20. If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something
21. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
22. Hard work pays off in the future … laziness pays off now
23. Everyone has a photographic memory … some just don't have film
24. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends
25. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges
26. What happens if you get scared half to death twice
27. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
28. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
29. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
30. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened
31. Just remember … if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off
32. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


  • At 7/17/2005 03:41:00 PM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said…

    You probably should have broken this one into several posts. Your Steven Wright-isms are really good. Really love this one:
    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

    The Schultz has good questions. I can name some Nobel prize winners but can't name the others, besides the Red Sox won the last World Series because it was such a big event since they're usually losers.

  • At 7/17/2005 11:05:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    ZS you're right about several posts. The S. Wright was my fave too....Bridg

  • At 7/18/2005 06:50:00 PM, Blogger tshsmom said…

    All 3 of us LOVED these!!

  • At 7/18/2005 08:04:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Most excellent tshsmom! Feel free to pass on!



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