Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Can't Smile Without You

OK World, I have many faults, chief among them is that I like, yes like, Barry Manilow's singing. Not the guy himself, but I do like his music.

So sue me.

Today was fairly mixed up, so much in fact that I asked myself (a) if I was having a nightmare and really was at work, (b) how I got all this stuff done on weekends in 'normal time' and (c) what the heck kind of person I am.

As to (a) and (b), had to take Mom for testing. It isn't as simple as going to her house, getting her in the car and leaving. It is going to her house, settling whatever nonsense she has going (and today there was TONS of it), urging her to GET GOING (not easy let me tell you), THEN getting her into the car, etc.

Patience is a virtue I don't have. I am growing it, but man it's a slow growing thing.

Today's pre-boarding the car nonsense was whether or not the drugstore had given her the right prescriptions. Out of habit, I called MY drugstore, who had never heard of my mother, upon which I became quite indignant...and on it goes. Having that 'settled', finally got Mom into the car. Upon arriving at the lab (both of us needed testing), SHE couldn't pee and it turns out my bloodtest had to be done before 8:00 (by then it was 12:30). My doctor forgot to tell me that. Nice. Now we are looking at a round 2.

So we leave to go to the bank, which took about 20 minutes, because the bank machines only dispense $50 bills, which no store in our area accepts. Having dispensed with that hurdle, did manage to get food and another errand done,which actually went quite well. Then I had to go to a high tech equipment place to get them to either take back the expensive camera I bought there or enlighten me as to how it works. Naturally it worked fine in the store, and they managed to sell me more stuff (rechargeable batteries and the recharger). That was at least useful.

On to the drugstore, where it turns out that yes, they had given Mom the right medicine, right dose. After that my mind mercifully went blank.

Until I talked to M. His interview has been pushed back a day AGAIN. He is worried that TLT is badmouthing him all over town out of spite, which I would not put past the little turd. Except that means that both M and I are going to find it extremely difficult, i.e. impossible, to find somewhere else to work. OK that's the worst case but still enough to make me consider what the hell else I could do.

Retire? I'm going to try to figure that one out. Given my debt, etc. I doubt it but want to see just how bad of a financial pretzel I"ll have to turn into to manage it. Nothing is worth this silliness. I wonder how my friends do it? What is so weird about me that I can't?

Do any of you know what a 'long dark night of the soul' is? I know that Raven, S and Pauly do (hugs to my buddies, I love you all). Think I'm on the edge of one. Won't bore you with the details, it just feels very lonely and cold out here. You know, the kind of lonely and cold where no one gives a damn what happens to you and you deserve it..blah blah blah. Am trying to talk myself out of that. Actually I was wrong, it isn't cold, it's numb out here.

Anyway, back to other stuff, well, I'd like to go back to other stuff but can't think of anything else. I'm kinda preoccupied with the nonsense now. Guess this is what my doctor had in mind when she said relax (i.e. not to think about this stuff). Maybe she was right?

I don't know how S and Pauly went through the hell that they did, and turned out so great. All I want to do is be numb. In one way I am, but in the most important way, the soul way, I'm feeling this to the bone. Maybe this is why folks drink/drug/whatever. Now I get it. Not that I want to go there, there is enough to deal with at the moment without adding more.

This brings us to (c). Could there be a valid reason why TLT is behaving as he is? Did I bring this on myself? Issues are rarely one sided. This group that I am (sort of) working in has had one nutso boss after another. Yes the field attracts control freaks, but why so many first class, headline-worthy, screaming (literally) nut jobs heading up the same group? The only factor that stayed the same is me and the detached retina guy. It's gotta be easier working anywhere else--if that option even exists at this point for me. aarrgghh. Allegedly I"m good at what I do. I've been asked to teach it and did, have awards (5-7, I forget but there are a few)--M also.

What the hell is going on? It's hard to see something when you are right in the middle of it.

I had a really hellish year in 1990. My boyfriend of 10 years died (July), my dad died (Nov), I had a major car accident in which my lemon of a new car was written off (January) I had a scuba accident that my (scuba diving) doctor said that no one'd survived before (May), and a bunch of other bad things happened too--all in the same 11 months.

Couldn't take--WON'T take--another year like that one. It's odd the number of people I've met who also have had a similar year.

Maybe I need time with my buds/out there and less time thinking. Just for now.

Night world....peace! Keep your fingers crossed for us, huh?

Bridg

5 Comments:

  • At 5/17/2005 12:16:00 AM, Blogger .: raven :. said…

    i like a few Barry Manilow songs ... one i can't think of the name of it .. but it's very dramatic and deep.

    i'm sorry you had such a frustrating day (( hugs )) i hate those kind of days, yet it seems they are coming fast and furious for both of us.

    i will keep my fingers crossed for you on the job hunt. in the States, a former employer cannot say bad things about you that might prevent you from getting another job or they can be sued. you might want to check your human resources laws because that's crap what TLT is doing.

    NO you did not bring this on yourself. no one deserves to be treated that way by a boss.

    im also sorry to hear about 1990, and sorry about your man and your father. (( hugs ))

    things will get better. it's darkest before the dawn and the storm has to clear before the sunshine reappears. change is hard .. and sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. it will work out. i promise.

     
  • At 5/17/2005 01:37:00 AM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Thanks so very much Raven, you da woman! Is the BM song Mandy?

    I swear there's a wrinkle in the universe lately. YOu're darn right, everyone is having those kinds of days...

    Thanks for the lible/liable advice. That was beginning to dawn in my brain...will definitely check it out.

    TY also for the support and sympathy. 1990 is one year I definitely don't want to remember or repeat. You're right, things are bound to improve...I just wish they'd hurry up and do so for all of us lol....hugs, Bridg

     
  • At 5/17/2005 07:09:00 PM, Blogger 123-I-Love-You said…

    Bridg (Or, should I say, Ottawangel?):

    Thanks for the link. Much appreciated.

    Sorry to hear that you're going through such a dark time right now. When I'm going through one of those I find that curling up with a case of wine helps.

    I agree with Raven though - it's hardest before things start getting better. Times like those sometimes help us appreciate the good times.

     
  • At 5/19/2005 02:52:00 AM, Anonymous ann said…

    Ahh... the "long dark night of the soul." Yep, I know that one.

    As far as I'm concerned the only interesting people in the world are the ones who know that one. Or perhaps I'm simply interested in people who feel things deeply, like I do.

    Regardless...

    You are not alone in the world. Not even close. People care about you. People are rooting for you. People are there for you.

    And, perhaps more importantly, you have the strength to get through this. You can do this, one step at a time.. one breathe at a time.

    And one day you will realize that it's no longer night...

    I wish you the very best life has to offer, in the night... and in the day.

     
  • At 5/19/2005 06:18:00 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said…

    Ann and Raven, you are wonderful...thanks so very much for those words. They mean a lot.

    Am going to keep your advice in mind and follow it, simple as it sounds....many hugs, Bridg

     

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