Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

And You Might Enjoy Some Madness For A Change

Ah good ole Billy Joel. Madness describes the pace of work, nothing else. It was another almost-out-of-control-but-who-cares day at work.

Don't know if I described the nature of the work in this blog before--it's basically helping people from a third party point of view. Theraputic. It takes a lot of people and analytical skills: listening, analysing, writing, negotiating (that one's very key and rare) and presenting. Lateral thinking is almost a prerequesite. Both Pauly and M have been in this so long, and have such skills, that they're experts at all of those things and a great deal more.

The older I get, the more I appreciate people instead of tasks and deliverables. Even tho the workload we're juggling now would kill other people, because we work with each other and like each other so much (and hey there is a TON of professional respect--these guys have top standing in this field) you can't help but be glad to see them, chat with them, and best of all swap ideas with them or debate. That takes place, or did, on a daily basis when Marc was here. The three of us consulted all the time. It's the most intense growth experience I've ever had and definitely the most enjoyable.

At times, Pauly and I carry on like idiots (very young children) but the next minute we're working our asses off doing favors for people.

Read something somewhere recently to the effect that although people may not remember what you said or did, they will always remember the way that you make them feel. Think it's true. That is on top of my mind all the time. They sure make me feel wonderful: supported, liked and accepted, confident. I hope that I do that for them too.

I sent a copy of last night's blog to my dreamboss. He said that he really likes my soft side and to keep it up. OKKKKKKKk. It's good that he's there now so that the softness won't be used against me (has happened in the past. People who do that are well, not ones I want to be around). Thank God for M as I've said so often, and Pauly, Jer, Peggy, Ray and everyone else. Love you all deeply.

As for M, I recognize that I do love him. You folks who read this blog must be sick of reading that but stick with it--it's changing. Moved from passion (all emotional/mental --mind you, nothing physical in the least is going on or ever had) to deep knowledge and 'twinship' in many ways, to this new state. The respect--almost worship--has always been there but now instead of me wanting to be his slave, it's a partnership of two colleagues who, well, love and respect each other to an unusual extent. I would and do trust him with my life, and I know he feels the same.

When we were at dinner, I did look at those gorgeous eyes that before would have turned me into brunette puddles. Couldn't hold the gaze long but it didn't have that physical effect on me that it used to. Not that the feeling had gone away, it'd gone past that, sort of 'grown up'. And this was the first time that we'd gone somewhere and I didn't hope he'd kiss me on the lips. Again, not that the feeling isn't there, it's just that I want what he wants. I think that's peace at home and at work. And we are so close to something great at work that I (of all people) don't want to screw it up. Intellectually things are catching fire (in a good way).

There are a range of ways to be intimate, not all of them physical. We have everything but physical going on. It built a lot of unusual and strong bonds. Especially since we are so d*mn alike (separated at birth). Because the feeling's so deep and strong I really truly want whatever is best for him. And since my mind, heart and body cannot act separately, it isn't me! I couldn't get into anything like a fling just for the sex of it. Been there, done that (once) bought the T shirt and it didn't fit AT ALL. At the age of 53, I now know it's worth the wait. Like the difference between alcool and champagne congnac. Just no comparison. The rest is a waste of time and energy (yah guys before you ask, I've gotten together with men half my age. No thanks).

And the good things he's taught me, or given me space to grow into, are taking hold at home too. I'm actually thinking of doing my income tax on time this year (first time in 10 years), and I've dumped every relationship that had me, well for lack of better word, subserviant or being involved in something dangerous or not comfortable to me. The priority now is my health, I'm not ready for anything else. Once I'm happy with me, then we'll see.

Boy I cannot imagine my mom or dad talking like this at my age. Or acting like Pauly and I do some days. Funny how things shift from one generation to another, isn't it?

It isn't as if I don't support Pauly, Jer et al to the same extent, I want what's best for them at all times too and would go very far to get it for them. Whatever it takes. There's just a strong fire associated with M. It's almost like breathing.

Probably am not explaining this very well. They are such basic feelings, like breathing, moving, thinking that it's quite difficult to put into words.Well, world, goodnight. I wish you love of all kinds, sun, birdsong, peaceful days, warm sleepy nights, and the love of faithful pets and children.


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