Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Starting

OK world, I'm back. So is Mom. She's weak but improving. As am I. Had trachitis, which is what put the Pope in the hospital. I was off work for two weeks. While I was sick the siblings, who I love dearly, finally got their acts together and helped Mom. About bleeping time. While I was off sick, could only sleep. Not eat. So lost weight, and had to focus on me (health), which is something I rarely do.

My colleagues were away at the same time. One has retinal detachment, one quit, the other had flu. Gorgeous boss (let's call him M) was alone. Well not completely alone, he had the intern (a real bitch) who does no work. By the time I got back, the work had piled up.

At one point recently, M told me that 'as recently as this summer' some gorgeous thing had offered to have a baby with him. Oh how that hurt. Cut me to the soul. I couldn't breathe when he said that. When we talked the next day (I was madder then), he apologized for being a jerk. It helped a little but not much. Had been feeling like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast in the first place, this made it so much worse. He'd been married, claimed to love me and was having an affair at the same time.

Between that, the bitch (L), a spat with a friend, overwork, being sleep deprived, in debt, still weak from illness and the nut who runs the parking lot where I park calling me as much as four times a week, I was in a lot of pain. And was pretty confused re M.

M told me 'ditto' when I said that I loved him. Said that it was good that I'm not blonde (he goes for blonde model types and boy they LOVE him). Was glad when I told him that I quit dating because all I do is talk about him.

This is a gorgeous, smart, prominent man. Who goes for blonde models. And is attracted to ME? Even though we are cut from the same cloth, finish each other's sentences, etc,. that does not make sense. He is a Richard Gere clone, I am brunette, smart aleky and cute. Not Quasimoto but still not a blonde model.

It did hit me that he might have pretended to have feelings for me to be accepted at work (I'm kind of a strong player there). That was a deadly thought that I can't get out of my mind. Not that I'm Quasimoto, but still it was convenient. I would not have done anthing differently, I am a consumate professional. But he didn't know that at the time.

For those of you who don't know, 'yes' or 'no' are not problems. Pain isn't either, they make things for that. But uncertainty is mind poison. And that's where I was, neck deep in it. It put me into so much pain, such exquisite torture, that I couldn't take it one more second. I decided that I wanted out. OUT out. Not in anger, not to get back at him or make him sorry, just to get out of the pain.

Problem was, I didn't have enough meds to do it. So I kept my shrink appointment, to refill my prescription. THEN I'd do it. I was not going to tell her about being suicidal.

You guessed it. Miss Big Mouth here told her. And bless her heart, my doctor said (a) not to take everything M says at face value. He is a womanizer, how can you trust him? Did I mention that I'm very gullible? Well I am; (b) that I always have trouble sleeping in spring; (c) that even if he forgets his boundaries and keeps running hot and cold, that I can respect my own boundaries and make up my own mind.

So I did. And she trusted me enough to give me a three month prescription! Enough to kill several folks, but when she said those things a light went on. I'm stronger and more determined than ever to get back to health.

I talked to M and told him what the shrink said. He said that I'd misunderstood his feelings, we're just pals (bs!). He'd hit on a blonde manager twice in meetings I'd been in, one was that day. She rolled her eyes the second time and ignored him both times. Those things, as well as what the shrink had said, made him look like an ass in my mind. Yes I love him and always will, but he is a jerk/ass about women, especially blondes. That's a non negotiable in my book. Why get into something with a guy I can't trust?

So I"m much stronger. Still shaky, like a colt, but getting there. Have been working with a good self-esteem text, am working out at the gym, lost weight and am eating healthier than ever before. I don't need to put him down to feel better, just needed to understand. I was so very confused before. Now I get it. And that helps.

Joined a few dating sites. THAT was a mistake! Got some nice answers, but got scared and dropped off of the sites. So if you are Sean K and are reading this, I'm very sorry honey. You are gorgeous but I'm a chicken and not ready. Had no business being on that site.

Man I hope no one reads this. You'll think I'm bonkers!

Bridget

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