Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

(Not) Taken In Again

Hi world! Hope that your Saturday was at least as good as mine. My lifelong pal Jery came over today. He's a professional musician but I"d never heard him play, isn't that odd? Well, he brought (one of his) guitars with him and played for three hours. It was great and wow what a talent. He also brought over a U2 DVD and a CD he burned for me. What a friend. I gave him --finally--his Christmas present. When Jer left, it was snowing tons of big fat flakes, fast. Lovely snow. We watched it for a while.

Then I fell asleep for a few hours! He had been up since 3:00, I'd been up since 8 (cleaning the place mostly). He called again at 10:00 p.m. to let me know how a song he'd been writing had finished.

I'm sitting here shaking my head about love and all its forms. Friends have got to be the purest form of love, besides mother-love. I'm truly blessed.

So the house is looking pretty great, got half the laundry done and the Bossiest Cat In The World is happy. And it's almost midnight.

Did think about HIM (M). Didn't want to but there it is. I wonder if, when he was talking to la Bitch and blushed if they were discussing him leaving/retiring or Pauly/me (both of them are off the joke lists, they may be forming a team)? Or him staffing her permanently prior to leaving? It wasn't good, whatever it was...the blush gave it away to Pauly. And me. Well, he will do what he will do. The guy is very proud and macho--there is no way he will ever admit that la Bitch was/is a mistake, unless she does something that can't be ignored like stabbing me (which would be out of character, she prefers whispering in M's ear). So because of that pride/macho, I fear that we are stuck with la B forever. No way anyone else is going to hire her. Thanks M, that'll be quite a legacy. Yet an appropriate one.

And the day that happens, I start looking for somewhere else to go unless he goes. Let M deal with her without me. Guess that is 'her or me/us' but hell, why would anyone stay where they're constantly attacked? By an incompetent moron? AND the boss? Not me! So we'll see.

I think that HE is setting up to leave/look for something else....all those not to subtle hints about retiring (yawn--boy who cried wolf). He has my professional support but has lost ....what do I call this...his office flirt object. His emotional and work slave. We were heavily emotionally and mentally intimate. That's over as of last week because of the attempted manipulation and anger. Friends just don't do that kind of crap, even if they're managers, at least in my book. Ethical people don't either, and that used to be the thing I liked/loved about him the most. Guess it only applies in some circumstances. So bottom line is that he lost his office plaything. He also lost his friend. So did I. It was a hard fall but hey I feel so much better now.

So I've come to the conclusion that he did manipulate/game me when he came into his job here to get support. When I asked him about that he got quite angry, said that he would not have bothered to do that. That was more b.s. He needs a work home and wants to do good. It wasn't necessary to lead me on, I would have supported him anyway. That's what I do. But no, he had to make it more fun with the flirting, etc. and then deny that he did it. Cute. He said that when he'd---been close----to a woman at a prevous job, it ruined the dynamic in the office. Guess what, intimacy is not just physical! It's emotional, mental, spiritual and we had all of those dimensions going at once. The sex thing brings in hormones which make it all tighter. That didn't happen but the teasing sure did. And it sure wasn't ethical. But the bottom line here is that he would not have become angry if it wasn't true.

I sure did value his friendship but it's been eclipsed or replaced by boss-ism, manipulation and cronyism. That dishonesty--the deceit--, plus blaming me for not getting my work done because of HIS work, killed the respect I had for him. Oh it's still there in terms of him knowing his stuff technically re our field of work. It's totally gone regarding him as a manager. And certainly gone about him being a friend in whom I can trust/confide. Forget that.

I think it's all a show to him. On Friday, driving into work, I was praying for protection (from this man, and bad drivers), and in my mind's eye saw two birds--an eagle (my late dad's totem) and a big crow (my totem). That made me start wondering if I could find bird symbols for others in the office. Here's what I came up with (in 5 minutes):
Pauly--the wise old owl and one of my fave birds
La Bitch---magpie
Marc and Les--lark
M--peacock (concern over appearance, constant courtship with the spread tail feathers...)

So if I don't trust him, don't respect him as much...that doesn't sound like friendship to me. He's become a boss. Maybe that's the healthiest way to go. But isn't that a huge change? It was in August that I realized that I loved him, and now when I realize I don't/can't because of his treatment of me (eroding respect and trust).

It's a shame. Once it was a wonderful, stimulating thing. Then he brings in this idiot (La B), and decides that it's a battle for control with me over her (insane, macho driven assumption), and has become more and more of an SOB ever since. Hope she was worth it, man. I'm still who I was. And I guess you're becoming more of who YOU are.

Have you ever noticed that anyone can fake it for a short while, but over time the real them emerges? They used to have probation in jobs for that reason. Some bright light in HR got rid of probation, but it would have been handy in a case like this. Anyway, my theory is now that he was someone else in the early days here, and now that he's under stress and has to perform, we are seeing more of the real him. And in several ways, the real him is the guy I didn't like when I first met him 7 years ago. The big things that I didn't like then were vanity and lack of content, and ambition. I was wrong about the content partly. The other stuff I was right on about. Whether or not he did my friends in, well that pal is now dead so there's no point in thinking about it.

But things are definitely not as clear cut as they at first appeared to be. We have had abusive folks in here as managers before, and they've all been great for the first few months. It took 6-9 months for the evil to leak out of the worst one (and I do mean evil). This isn't true evil in that sense, it's just untrustworthiness and ego. ICK ICK ICK

I go back to what my shrink says: forget about his running hot and cold and forgetting boundaried. You stay steady and stick to yours. Let him wander around. You can't trust a womanizer, don't believe everything you're being told.

Right on.

So like I was saying earlier, I do feel better. Less 'tied' to M, with whom I'm not safe anymore. Less like the Beast/Quasimoto.

Hope this all shakes out in a good way but it doesn't look like it will now. You never know tho.

I'm just grateful for this day of grace, my friends (without whom I'd be BONKERS), my family and peaceful refuge of a home.



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