Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Land of Confusion

Remember how JC Superstar starts? "My mind is clearer now. At last I can see all too well where we all soon will be"?? Well that is the opposite of me. I just spent 3 hours talking with that man (M) and although things are much better, or feel that way, I have no idea exactly how we got there. Or even where we wound up, except that it was in a better place.

He was very angry at first. Was going to quit and as he said, use a 2x4. Fortunately, that passed. I had a feeling when he invited me for coffee it wasn't going to be pleasant and it wasn't at first. He had, admittedly, not done anything about L because sometimes things clear up on their own. Does that sound like (pardon me, men) a typical male 'stick your head in the sand' approach? It did to me. He's right, sometimes it does work but the problem with that approach is that if a solution does not pop up, things get much much worse, and they sure did in this case. He was sorry for that. For my part, I explained that I didn't see him doing anything, things got worse and worse so I just turned up the volume until I thought I had his attention. He agreed that this shouldn't have been needed (but was). He also was 'doing something' but I had not and could not see it, which sure didn't help. So he was surprised when I blew up and I was frustrated. We understand each other now.

At first he said that I was judgemental. That I'd made a rash judgement about the idiot running the parking lot and L was another one. I pointed out that the parking lot idiot had called me 4 times in one week, which is excessive by anyone's book. He agreed. Then re the judgemental bit, I noted that I am very well liked where I work, with clients and co workers. Judgemental folks do NOT get that kind of response. Also, that I would not be as strong as I am in my field had I been judgemental. Finally, I said that if you hit someone on the head enough, they are going to get pissed. I asked how far L had to go in assaulting me (used the term 'stab' I think) before I was allowed to be angry about it. He was also afraid that I was going to blow up at her, and I had promised to 'let her have it'. I would have too, but not in the way he feared. I challenged him to identify a time when I'd been rude. He couldn't think of one. That got the point across.

M said that she's from an admin group of females, and that kind of climate always includes backstabbing and viciousness. He is right, I used to manage a group like that. That does not make her behaviour acceptable, it only explains it. For our part, I pointed out that P and I only want a peaceful place to work, and that this is not asking much. He agreed, and said that he had taken over sole and total responsibility for teaching the little idiot, and would keep her away from us (doesn't this sound stupidly naieve?). That is your prerogative, I said. He felt that when I said that the two of us (P and A) were going to leave if she stays, that it was an 'us or her' thing. I denied it. I said that I don't threaten, I mean and do exactly what I say, period. Would he rather not know? He understood. We can choose where to work.

He intends to improve her behaviour, knowledge and attitude. I pointed out that it is his theory that personality can't be changed. He agreed, but we also noted that behaviour can be changed, and after that follows attitude and personality. But it takes time, effort and focus. He said that she doesn't have that much time and he'd make it happen.I remain skeptical.

This one big PIA person. But we'll see.

He is still talking about bringing in at least two people I know are good, get along and will not hurt our reputation. He wanted to bring in one more. I asked if she in any way, shape or form resembled L. He swore not. We'll see. That would be one mistake too many for me. You know, people mistakes are forever. You can teach technical stuff, but a jerk is a jerk. And jerks, not being in high demand, tend to stay put wherever they are.

'Wouldn't it be lovely'? Oh, let's hope for the best.

I (tried to) reassure him that I do NOT want his job, had refused the title four bosses ago when it was offered to me but agreed to do the work. He knew that. Also mentioned that I know what his job is, and mine. Asked if he could remember any time when I'd given him bad advice. Of course the answer was no. I do want this man to succeed (thinking that hiring idiots is not part of success but oh well). He genuinely wants to give L a break. Fine that's his prerogative. I reminded him of all the people hired (in admin) who started out great and then turned into jerks the minute they were staffed. He noted that he has ways of dealing with that and preventing it. OKKKKKK we'll see.

When he first joined us, he wrote an e mail to a female pal (very close one) that said in part "A is a lady professional, and requires special handling/attention". To me that sounded like "well, she's a woman, they all love me so hey I have to be careful". Told him that too. He swears that although he doesn't remember what he meant by this wording, he didn't mean it that way. I am keeping an open but jaded mind here. See other posts for details. Where women are concerned, although he seems to see me as Quasimoto, there are similarities. A lot of them. I'm sick of that entire side of him and have decided to totally and absolutely ignore it. It makes me feel physically ill thinking about it. Enough, just f'in enough.

So his cold 'goodbye' last night was an 'I quit', but he decided against it. That's good for all. I explained my role as someone watering an abandoned garden, keeping the plants alive. And he is a master gardener (no cracks about fertilizer, please). I had no intention of staying in this organization if I was the cause of him leaving, but I couldn't believe that he would leave over that. He agreed, said that he was just angry. I respect his knowledge. He does have integrity as far as a fair number of things go, and I like that too. Otherwise I am not where I once was. I'm not in love with him. Too much hurt, pain and frankly, dishonesty (well that's what it feels like). Once that door's shut, it's shut. And it is firmly closed now. I feel safe behind it too.

That question re Valentine's Day still offends me but it's the (not too graceful) reaction of someone who's for all intents and purposes been married most of his adult life. He doesn't understand single. It still makes me feel like the Beast (and I also said that again today) but that's more my problem than his. He just adds gasoline to the fire. His thing with women is an instinct. A damn hurtful one. It is not as deliberate as some I've seen but still...ouch and ick.

So where does that leave me in this long winded item?

Frankly I want to cry but can't get worked up enough over it, being emotionally drained and fed up with (a) the subject of L and (b) worrying about him. There's a vague sense of 'he'll learn' and more than a little fed-up-edness (re the female thing). Mostly I'm relieved that we're on good terms again but this fire has flared up so many times that the skin will not grow back the same way it once was. This is not a good thing. It isn't a terrible thing. But it's heart skin--sensitive tissue is becoming scar tissue. At least, that's what it feels like.

He's what this group and the profession needs. It's just that where once I had unwavering, unconditional and total support, love and friendship; now I have support and unconditional friendship type of love and a firmly shut door. The bonfire's turned into a small steady fire. The change in heat is very marked.

It's a damn big change.

I will always like and in 99.9% of ways, support this man. He's a friend. But there's a hurt, a bad one. I hope it goes away in time.
posted by Bridget Jones at 7:29 PM 0 comments


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