Ravings and Rantings

Welcome to my cloud! It's got a nice silver lining somewhere.....Some ranting, some raving--mostly positive stuff,lots of jokes (I can't stay serious). Nothing going on here that a pina colada or mohito can't fix.

Monday, February 28, 2005

That's What Friends Are For

OK Gang, today's a really good day...hope it was with you too. There is tons and tons of work, so much that even if I worked 24-7 it'd take me a week to get all of it done (and it wouldn't be done well, I'm in a heavy-thinking job). That's comforting in stupid way.

Got lots of reassuring info from others, which was a big help. Could see that M was very different--stressed. That lightened later on, due to some of of my info and other stuff. Pauly's working at home tomorrow :( but at least he's here! Haven't see LB at all which is fine. Stupid situation and it makes me feel awkward but...not everything is my fault! Don't like calling her LB, have to think of another name. The office is, with that exception, a safe place. All the clients and colleagues are friends. I'd be pals with them no matter where they worked. That's such a comfort and warm feeling like you can't believe.

Did get a lot done. Didn't have one romantic thought at all except that M has great eyes. Met with some really sweet client folks and they made my life so sweet. Did give the prezzies to the parking lot guy. He was very surprised. Happy too I hope. Told a few folks about what he did. Good news deserves to be spread, IMO.

Hope S is OK. Left him a message, am starting to get very concerned. Think he and his gf broke up, which is something that no one needs at a time like this. Could not stand it if anything happened to him also.

I realized lately that I know more departed people than my 76 year old mother. Isn't that odd? But I do. Out of the 40 or so, only 4-5 took their own lives. But still it makes you think.

Jer worked out another song. It's a howl of pain, but he needed to let it out. It is so great to see him grow like this. It's like seeing a rose open. Glad I'm with him on this journey, and am amazed at all the very good folks that joined in too. When you go through #$^^&* you find out quickly who your friends really are. The others take off and frankly it's great that they do, although very painful at the time. It's kind of like making a sword--being passed through a flame does make you stronger. Hurts like hell but in the end worth it.

M and I were talking about Jer and the other L (LC--the good L). He said that couples need to be different too, opposites attract. Well, not always. My ex and I were/are opposites in most ways. Jer and LC have their sports interests in common. He's a songwriter and she isn't. But she does make candles--there is some arts-ness there. They are cut from the same cloth. They're both so calming, just to be around. It's remarkable how similar they are that way. But LC's got a wild streak in her--she and I have that in common. Jer has a silly, but not wild, streak. That's a great combination. M and I? We are or were separated at birth. Finish each other's sentences, speak each other's thoughts. He'll ask me to do something, and I'm in the middle of doing it anyway. Very odd but nice. I do love him but it's turning into not romantic love. I can't explain it very well. Can't say 'hero worship', that isn't it. Isn't a brother thing but that explains it best. Every once in a while that romance thing 'spikes' into my heart. But it goes away. I wonder if it's fear or something else? That Miss Universe thing pretty much did romance in, I think.

Jer and I were at dinner last night. He is the only man I trust, and he said the same about me and women. Romance is out of the question, we know each other too well, and too long, for that. We are definitely bro and sis.

Well, I can't think anymore. Time for dinner.

Night world....thanks for visiting.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Unless It Was Champagne With You

Unless It Was Champagne With You
That's from the second song I'm bonkers about (Last Night of the World Bruce Coburn).

My bud Jery dragged me out to a music thing (I am not nuts about the word 'concert') at the Black Sheep Inn in Wakefield...it was a great time! Two Irishers who DIDN'T play Celtic junk but were absolutely fabulous (Andy White and Steve Fearing). Ambience teriffic, music tops, company stellar. WOW. OK OK I admit the error of my fargin ways, I'll get out more. Or at least not stay in as much.

It was funny, the music they played was all 'talking' about Jery's life right now. Know the Roberta Flack song 'Killing me softly" and what that was about? It was that kind of thing. True Zen. He'd had a great weekend skiing too. It does the heart good to see him blossom like this. There was a sign over the door that said "Be Nice or Leave". I would LOVE a copy of that sign. GREAT slogan for work.

Got all the weekend stuff, or most of it, done between 8:00 and 1:55. Not bad. Had to get something special for someone who did the sweetest thing: the guy in the parking lot hut (he who waited 3 hours for yours truly, the ingrate). Got a neat thermos (the silver bullet one), h0t chocolate, those things that warm your feet and toes, and a set of special coffees and a neat cloth bag to put it all in. That kind of kindness deserves recognition in my book.

Felt extremely fat. Am definitely into fixing this, not for men but for me. Can you believe it, I had a dream last night that I had looooong ripply hair, and for some idiot reason, was co-starring with Johnny Depp in a play. JD was pissed at me because I tried to dye my own hair and some of it went white, some red, some blonde--it was a royal mess. I could not get anyone to fix it and was going to have to play with it like that when I woke up. Funny, I am thinking of letting my hair go white again. It's pure white, almost silver with no brown/black at all. Will look like hell until I"m skinny again, so it's a bit in the future but not much. I'm getting sick of what the dye does to it (thins it). And can't be bothered much longer with it either.

Getting back to the dream, was that a rejection thing or what???And speaking of rejection, folks, I can't count the number of times this week and weekend, mostly at night when my energy's at its lowest ebb, when I've started thinking lovingly about M. Despite all the rattle and hum. Then I remember his comment about Miss Universe (from the sounds of it) who wanted to have his baby, and my stomach tightens around what feels like cinderblock. So far that is doing the trick (keeping me from going head over heels about this man again). There are many qualities I admire about him but heaven help whoever loves him (me and a host of others). Now I am keeping it invisible and work focussed. Can't TELL you how much better it all is under this regime--the word 'infinitely' comes to mind.

Am I hiding from my own feelings or am I balancing them with facts that I've come across? Both. We all have ugly sides, the issue is whether or not those we love can cope with them.Hey let's not get into this again.Don't sweat it, I'm cool. Love the world, love the sun...not sure what my life's about unless it's getting over the pounds I've packed on. Well if J could get better, so can I.

That's all the news that's fit to print.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I Shot the Sheriff

Hey world it's been a while.

Went to the 'memorial service' (Catholic speak for funeral of a suicide) yesterday. The church was packed, as it should have been. How's that for hypocritical? If he (the honoree) had been a bishop, there would have been full rites.

People were there from all walks of life, very senior government types, very junior government types, and one very smug bastard (TF) who had no reason to be there except to be seen. The brother of the honoree is a good friend and colleague. I was outraged to see TF there, the brainless smirking twit. There is such a thing as karma and it feels great knowing that he'll get his in the end. The right thing always happens in the end, it just can take a while. Had horrid dreams but probably due to running into this slimy snake at what was a warm ceremony.

Workload still nuts and growing. People outside the group are commenting on it now. Glad that someone cares and notices! M is doing much better.Things are a bit more under control but still nuts. Thank God for Pauly and him.

The bro I mentioned above, S, is being harassed by his bitch ex-manager--AT HOME! Can you imagine? Your only other sibling is dead--under the worst circumstances, and your idiot ex boss decides to harangue you at home about coming into work. And as of Monday he works with us. M is going to have it out with her, and S won't have to worry about that witch anymore. I'd love to get hold of her on the phone. Just five minutes would do it.

For some folks, like TF and the bitch-manager, hell isn't bad enough (they're immune to it). Nothing is.

Talked to long time pal in another province today. Was wonderful. Jery's idea, bless his heart.

Am also taking Mom out today (good Lord, here comes another angina attack, I am certain), so am putting off getting dressed.

The only way to not drown in work is to do serious overtime. Haven't done yet but may tonight, since that's all I dreamed about. Sick right? Here I am drowing in personal stuff, and what's on my mind? Work. Guess because it's easier to handle.

Wish me well folks.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Sometimes You Can't Do It Alone

I think that's the name of the really cool U2 song Jery introduced me to. Can't get it out of of my head--love that song!

Driving today SUCKED! Took me two hours to get into work. And some of the drivers on Baseline Road should have their heads (or butts) examined. Sheesh. But got in there eventually.

Got to see Pauly, actually we coffee'd together. M joined us and it was actually not unpleasant. We managed to convince him (not planned) that something he'd planned could backfire big time. He agreed to rearrange things, but I think that the horses are out of that barn. But at least he listened. Looked like hell too, poor thing. I had sent him the words to the title song, because he'd been making noises again about retiring on Friday. Of course he had not read it yet. But he HAD noticed that I sent in work late Friday night. I explained that it bothered me not having things finished and that I knew he'd need it Monday a.m. Then it turns out that that meeting day was changed. No one knew. Oh well, it WAS a Monday!

I had to fix something I had done in a rush because I was doing M's work for the last 2-3 weeks. Took me all day but when I was done I had a 'first of its kind' product. So I'm kinda proud of how it turned out. Boy tho am I beat. Also had to meet with M on his project again.

Jer called a few times. He is so giggly and happy it's insane --and really really good. So is L. They are the best folks. I want to get them, Pauly and his wife, and L's sister in law together for a music night. They're all music types and very compatible, I think. L and Jer are all for it, I hope I can talk Pauly into it.

M went home early, so did Pauly. I was left with LB (La Bitch) alone but thank God she stays away from me (now that she's taken a few stabs at me and got caught doing it). This feels bad but I'm sick of worrying about something I didn't start and want no part of. All I want is peace.

It was great to see L again, and of course Pauly.

M didn't remember going on about retirement again. I reminded him, then said that my reaction was 'here we go again'. He said that he was tired/stressed. He'd woken up having stress dreams last night. I had had dreams--NOT SEX ONES--about hanging out with Steve Segal. Isn't that cool? M was totally unimpressed. He didn't want to talk about his dream, only that it was a stress one. He did mention that his wife and he are waking up in the night from arthritis pain these days, so I wrote down the name of an excellent supplement and dose. One of my mother's pals passed that word on to me and DANG she was right. He thanked me and I said that no one should suffer like that. I've had surgery for arthritis, and this stuff got rid of 98% of the pain, it's that good.

Have not called Mom yet but then...if something's wrong I hear right away so they must be OK. Am going to bed early because I have to go to The Most Boring Meeting On Earth tomorrow. Three hours of torture, about a program that we barely take part in, done by some of the worst consultants in town--and it starts at my favourite time: 8:30. ARGH why can't meeting organizers do the decent thing and schedule marathoners for afternoon? Oh I know why--no one will go! Never mind. Those jokers don't even supply coffee! I do get to go with a very decent person, Joanne. She said she'd bring a 6 pack. Not sure it's enough but it's a start (ha ha ha). Usually the same people never go to the meetings. They wise up after one and send some other sucker. We don't have enough victims I mean staff to do that.

Well world, it's been a quiet day. Actually it feels like the lull before the storm, literally. Hate that feeling but what are ya gonna do?

If there is reincarnation, I want to come back as my cat. Dang she's got it good (grin).

Night world.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Rattle and Hum

My head's full of U2 but it's all good. Jer called at (OMG) 7 this am. Needless to say I was not awake. Don't remember what we talked about but it sure wasn't long!

Woke up at 10:25. THAT felt good. Jer was to come over at 4:00 (wanted me to check out something for him). Since I never get dressed before noon, that gave me about 4 hours to get groceries, find fig juice (failed. Went to 10 f'ing stores and struck out), gas and wash the car (well got the gas. Line too long for wash), and shop in the Market.

Forgot about flipping Winterlude. Oh well. Took longer than I thought, but the good news is that a store that I love in the Market had a 50% off everything sale. Man did I clean up. On stone jewelery. Couldn't afford it, couldn't not afford it.

Jer and I chatted for over an hour. I cannot believe how happy and animated he is. This is the best I've ever seen him. It makes me feel sooooo good. Brought him to Mom's and introduced them. Sheesh I thought I'd done that years ago. We've only been pals since 1972. Oh well better late than never. Mom liked him of course.

Got Mom dinner, stayed a few hours, did some of her chores, dropped off my nephew's birthday prezzies and here I am. Was going to do some work but decided not to. It was such a gorgeous day.

Am still in a way puzzled about M's turnabout. My guess is that he's thinking that P and I are opposed to him and La Bitch. Not true but you know, I am sick to death of worrying about her, taking care of, worshipping and worrying over him. You know how you can study your ass off for an exam, then the night before get so fed up with worry that you stop worrying altogether? Well that is exactly what this is like.

The two of them (separately or together, take your pick) have taken up far too much of my limited energy and patience.

My health (oh I forgot to mention, I had angioplasty a year ago, and they couldn't fix two of the three blocked arteries. Because I'm young for this kind of #$%, they decided to not do bypass. So I get winded easily, get nasty pain, etc.). As I was saying, my health depends on lowering my stress, working out and eating better. Those two are stressing me out something fierce. To tell you the truth, neither of them is worth it.

No more. This is my declaration of independence. I'm going to be my usual nice, professional self. They can both stuff it as far as I'm concerned.

Guess that says it all. Love my peaceful home. Love my buddies, and work.

Night world, may you all find peace

Saturday, February 19, 2005

(Not) Taken In Again

Hi world! Hope that your Saturday was at least as good as mine. My lifelong pal Jery came over today. He's a professional musician but I"d never heard him play, isn't that odd? Well, he brought (one of his) guitars with him and played for three hours. It was great and wow what a talent. He also brought over a U2 DVD and a CD he burned for me. What a friend. I gave him --finally--his Christmas present. When Jer left, it was snowing tons of big fat flakes, fast. Lovely snow. We watched it for a while.

Then I fell asleep for a few hours! He had been up since 3:00, I'd been up since 8 (cleaning the place mostly). He called again at 10:00 p.m. to let me know how a song he'd been writing had finished.

I'm sitting here shaking my head about love and all its forms. Friends have got to be the purest form of love, besides mother-love. I'm truly blessed.

So the house is looking pretty great, got half the laundry done and the Bossiest Cat In The World is happy. And it's almost midnight.

Did think about HIM (M). Didn't want to but there it is. I wonder if, when he was talking to la Bitch and blushed if they were discussing him leaving/retiring or Pauly/me (both of them are off the joke lists, they may be forming a team)? Or him staffing her permanently prior to leaving? It wasn't good, whatever it was...the blush gave it away to Pauly. And me. Well, he will do what he will do. The guy is very proud and macho--there is no way he will ever admit that la Bitch was/is a mistake, unless she does something that can't be ignored like stabbing me (which would be out of character, she prefers whispering in M's ear). So because of that pride/macho, I fear that we are stuck with la B forever. No way anyone else is going to hire her. Thanks M, that'll be quite a legacy. Yet an appropriate one.

And the day that happens, I start looking for somewhere else to go unless he goes. Let M deal with her without me. Guess that is 'her or me/us' but hell, why would anyone stay where they're constantly attacked? By an incompetent moron? AND the boss? Not me! So we'll see.

I think that HE is setting up to leave/look for something else....all those not to subtle hints about retiring (yawn--boy who cried wolf). He has my professional support but has lost ....what do I call this...his office flirt object. His emotional and work slave. We were heavily emotionally and mentally intimate. That's over as of last week because of the attempted manipulation and anger. Friends just don't do that kind of crap, even if they're managers, at least in my book. Ethical people don't either, and that used to be the thing I liked/loved about him the most. Guess it only applies in some circumstances. So bottom line is that he lost his office plaything. He also lost his friend. So did I. It was a hard fall but hey I feel so much better now.

So I've come to the conclusion that he did manipulate/game me when he came into his job here to get support. When I asked him about that he got quite angry, said that he would not have bothered to do that. That was more b.s. He needs a work home and wants to do good. It wasn't necessary to lead me on, I would have supported him anyway. That's what I do. But no, he had to make it more fun with the flirting, etc. and then deny that he did it. Cute. He said that when he'd---been close----to a woman at a prevous job, it ruined the dynamic in the office. Guess what, intimacy is not just physical! It's emotional, mental, spiritual and we had all of those dimensions going at once. The sex thing brings in hormones which make it all tighter. That didn't happen but the teasing sure did. And it sure wasn't ethical. But the bottom line here is that he would not have become angry if it wasn't true.

I sure did value his friendship but it's been eclipsed or replaced by boss-ism, manipulation and cronyism. That dishonesty--the deceit--, plus blaming me for not getting my work done because of HIS work, killed the respect I had for him. Oh it's still there in terms of him knowing his stuff technically re our field of work. It's totally gone regarding him as a manager. And certainly gone about him being a friend in whom I can trust/confide. Forget that.

I think it's all a show to him. On Friday, driving into work, I was praying for protection (from this man, and bad drivers), and in my mind's eye saw two birds--an eagle (my late dad's totem) and a big crow (my totem). That made me start wondering if I could find bird symbols for others in the office. Here's what I came up with (in 5 minutes):
Pauly--the wise old owl and one of my fave birds
La Bitch---magpie
Marc and Les--lark
M--peacock (concern over appearance, constant courtship with the spread tail feathers...)

So if I don't trust him, don't respect him as much...that doesn't sound like friendship to me. He's become a boss. Maybe that's the healthiest way to go. But isn't that a huge change? It was in August that I realized that I loved him, and now when I realize I don't/can't because of his treatment of me (eroding respect and trust).

It's a shame. Once it was a wonderful, stimulating thing. Then he brings in this idiot (La B), and decides that it's a battle for control with me over her (insane, macho driven assumption), and has become more and more of an SOB ever since. Hope she was worth it, man. I'm still who I was. And I guess you're becoming more of who YOU are.

Have you ever noticed that anyone can fake it for a short while, but over time the real them emerges? They used to have probation in jobs for that reason. Some bright light in HR got rid of probation, but it would have been handy in a case like this. Anyway, my theory is now that he was someone else in the early days here, and now that he's under stress and has to perform, we are seeing more of the real him. And in several ways, the real him is the guy I didn't like when I first met him 7 years ago. The big things that I didn't like then were vanity and lack of content, and ambition. I was wrong about the content partly. The other stuff I was right on about. Whether or not he did my friends in, well that pal is now dead so there's no point in thinking about it.

But things are definitely not as clear cut as they at first appeared to be. We have had abusive folks in here as managers before, and they've all been great for the first few months. It took 6-9 months for the evil to leak out of the worst one (and I do mean evil). This isn't true evil in that sense, it's just untrustworthiness and ego. ICK ICK ICK

I go back to what my shrink says: forget about his running hot and cold and forgetting boundaried. You stay steady and stick to yours. Let him wander around. You can't trust a womanizer, don't believe everything you're being told.

Right on.

So like I was saying earlier, I do feel better. Less 'tied' to M, with whom I'm not safe anymore. Less like the Beast/Quasimoto.

Hope this all shakes out in a good way but it doesn't look like it will now. You never know tho.

I'm just grateful for this day of grace, my friends (without whom I'd be BONKERS), my family and peaceful refuge of a home.


Separate Lives

Hi again world! It was a run through a tornado, but today's done! I have spent so much time recently doing work to help my boss that I haven't been able to get mine done.

Was supposed to take Mom into the hospital to cardiac rehab which she very badly needs. She had to be there at the ungodly hour of 7:30, which meant getting up at 6:00. She never made it. Fell, could not get back up, and the alarm service called me to go get her. I was scared to death that she'd had a heart attack but she hadn't. So I drove over to her place, picked her up, put her back into bed, calmed her down (last thing she needed was a second heart attack), got her clean clothes and then cancelled her appointment and went to work (which is the last place I wanted to be since by then I was DRAINED).Got to work at 9:00 instead of 7:30 as planned. Oh well.

Did get a lot of work done on my neglected project. Went to lunch with Z, a totally wonderful colleague who is just so young, energetic and delightful. Poured my heart out, we both did, over lunch although I had not meant to. It was wonderful. We were out for 2 hours. Felt more ready to get back into it after.

By this point I still had not seen M (GB). Did see wonderful pal P of course. In talking with him I realized that I was being blamed by M for a lot of little things that were not my fault, e.g. he decided from where I'd left my car in the parking lot that I'd had some kind of falling out with the new parking lot guy. Untrue, I'd just come in early and gotten a decent parking spot! He tried to find fault like that with me over many little things. I've forgotten the details, but P pointed out the trend. He's right. I decided to keep it ONLY professional and to stay the heck away from the man (M), since any non-work related info was being turned against me. Even took him off the joke lists. Only folks I trust to the bone are on those things. So I wonder if we're even going to wind up as friends after this stuff? Man it goes from bad to worse. The group's situation is improving with ups and downs (with the exception of La Bitch), but certainly not our relationship from any point of view.

So I didn't see him until after 3. He had been talking with L (La Bitch) and turned red when someone else came into the room. Funny huh? Oh well not my bees-wax.

Anyway, I finished my work quite late in the day (6:00) as well as his work too. I've been working on a workplan developing study proposals for our division to do. This sure is not my job but he (M) needed the help. What I didn't appreciate was his saying that my other project was late. NO KIDDING MAN I've been doing YOUR work (and said so but more nicely than I've written here)! That ticked me off because it was so unfair.

So I finished both. Then tonight I couldn't quit thinking about the projects so I updated all of the documents involved (2-3) and sent them off to him a few minutes ago, which is damn nice of me if I do say so myself, since he has a meeting with his boss using those documents on Monday a.m. (and that guy is a PRICK). But I'm a pro and can't stand working any other way.

When we left tonight, he was complaining about being out of control, snowed under and stressed. Said that days like this make him think of retirement. That's the second time this week he said that--the other time was when he was angry with me. This time I said NOTHING. He said he'd think about it over the weekend. Sheesh he only had one week doing two jobs. I had a year, and it was in a much worse organization.

Well man, the profession needs you. I think that our group needs you in most ways. But you are a big boy and have to make up your mind youself. I can't bail you out all the time. And frankly I'm more than a little tired of this bragging/superior being thing that you do once in a while. As faults go it's a little thing but I really need to put distance between us now.

When folks are stressed, their barriers are down. What I've seen this week is the real him. And I don't like it as much as I liked the 'not really him' guy. He's mean and judgemental.

Last night he was scornfully describing a former boss who brought in skinny (old) pics of himself to show to M and his colleagues in an old job. I happen to have one on my wall of me but it's to keep me from eating junk food at lunch (a weakness) and to remind me (a) of my home, which is very peaceful and (b) of a dear departed cat, who'd bitten the hell out of the pic. Today I put up a sign saying "this photo is here because" and listing those reasons. The last reason on the list was 'friends don't give a @#$% what you look like. That is the focus of the shallow". I showed it to him and was defensive about the photo. He said that he hadn't meant anything by what he said. I suppose it could be true but combined with the other shit that happend this week....there sure seems to be a lot more of it lately. And there's certainly a lot more of that "that isn't what I meant" stuff being said too.

Jer called last night, the same day that Pauly and I had lunch. It was wonderful, I love those guys. Jer called again tonight and is visiting demain.

Thank You God!I feel so much safer, calmer, than before I pulled away from that guy emotionally. This is good.

It's been a long week. I worked 3 nights and came in early on two days. That plus my mom and the parking lot idiot (who called M today--Friday) have been tough on me. But I got the work done anyway.

Thank heaven for weekends.

Thank God for friends.

I wonder where things will wind up?

Thursday, February 17, 2005

You're So Vain

Can you believe it? Well, I knew that yesterday was too good to last. I got a semi threatening phone call from the idiot who runs the parking lot. Called the police and they said that they'd have a chat with him. If he does it again, will change my work phone number. I don't scare easy but he scared the @#% out of me today. Just what you need to start the day!

Had a great meeting--supposed to last a few hours and ended early! Saw pals, learned things--just the kind of thing that strokes the old brain. Did get one rush project done, but I have to admit that I was rattled the rest of the day because of old idiot there.

My dear pal Pauly took me out to lunch as a treat/cheer-up and boy did it work. We laughed ourselves silly. What a tonic. Thank you so much Pauly. And tonight my lifelong pal J called. Someone up there's looking after me, and thanks so much for doing it.

M got a bit 'hissy' today. He was really tired, and told me a story about a man we both dislike, who brought in skinny (old) pictures of himself to show M and the gang. I happen to have a skinny photo of me on my office wall, where you'd have to look hard to see it. The reason is to KEEP ME FROM EATING AT WORK!! Lunch is my downfall. Guess M noticed it today. It's hardly a glamorous photo--the cat liked to chew it. It's full of teeth marks. Oh well.....and on it goes.

I don't care if he saw it or not OR what he thinks. Man there's no conceit in HIS family (he got it all). Not sure I'll correct his misimpression--he probably wouldn't believe it anyway. But mayhap he'll learn over time that "I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you". Conceited ---! Must be hard to be that perfect. Oh well, not my prob.

Am taking Mom into the hospital for cardiac rehab. She has to be there at 7:30. This is going to be cute. I'm not exactly an early riser. Well, keep your fingers crossed folks. Mom sounded great, TYL (Thank You Lord)!

In retrospect, this was a fantastic day. Lunch with my pal Pauly, a call from J, Mom in good health and getting stuff done. Contended wtih 1.5 idiots today but survived it. Nice going, me.
LOL. Night world, it's off to bed for this pencil warrior.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

It's Gonna Be A Cool Night

Greetings one and all! I want to say to the whole world that if it were not for my pal Pauly I'd be a basket case. Well actually I am a secret basket case but that's not important. Thank you Paul for being the best pal anyone ever had. For reading my ravings and giving such wonderful advice. You are truly da man.

Today was good. Didn't get an awful lot done, not what I wanted to anyway, but did get some important things done. L was not in (yea yea yea oh joy oh bliss and I feel like a bitch writing this). Had meetings with good people who helped me get work done. Did not get down and overeat (remember my name is Bridget Jones, right?). Got to talk to my wonderful friend Pauly too. Had some great e mail exchanges with other pals, the work and funny kind.

Did I ever mention that I work with the greatest folks in the world? As colleagues (with one very prominent exception), clients, etc. They are the absolute finest. Bar none.

The new parking lot man is letting me leave my car next to his booth. That is the sweetest thing. Plus there is a tiny commissionnaire in our building, she's so tiny that you can just see her face over the desk. She's so happy to see people in the morning, and all the other commissionnaires cheer up/brighten when she says hi. It's the best way to enter a building, let me tell you. Makes the day sweeter.

OK here is what no one is waiting to read: M is fine. So far. Not one remark about L (that mattered), no hitting-on of others, ZIP but work and nice pleasant talk. It was such a relief let me tell you. I almost felt like I was in someone else's life today (a good one).

Some of the e mail jokes I got today were choice. Wish I could post them here. The best one was a photo of a sleeping polar bear with a penguin standing on top of him holding huge cymbals. And another penguin standing a short distance away waiting, holding a purse. The caption was "Do one brave thing today, then RUN LIKE HELL!". Funniest thing I've seen in months. Pauly and I cracked up royally about it. M asked if he was the polar bear (smart ass). I said of course not. He was the cymbals (just kidding just kidding just kidding no I didn't say that honest). There was another good one, one of those movies that are commercials, of some idiot guy in a red sports car revving his engine, exiting a parking lot as a pretty female walks by. The barrier for the parking lot, one of those railroad crossing type barriers, comes down on his head hard, knocking his head into the horn. And keeps bonking him (and the horn). MAN that was funny too. Don't you just wish.....

Caught M giving me the eye a lot today. Felt good, especially since I didn't have a gut/heart response. Didn't even blush. NOTHING, nada, zip. Interesting, no? Guess if someone breaks your heart enough, you do give up inside. Sure seems that way.

Have been very good with eating (healthy stuff, not Doritos as I used to do in the past when ticked off/depressed). In fact am not depressed at all. This is a new sensation but definitely a welcome one. Missed exercise tonight because I had to do work (really Pauly I did) but got it done fast. Finished half an hour before the gym closes. Oh well, will work out that much harder demain.

Mom doing very well. Her upstairs phone wasn't working, and for a 76 year old heart patient that is dangerous. Got and installed a new one on Sunday (did I mention that I hate knowing how to do that kind of thing?) and it works, she's happy and (please Lord) healthy/healing. Even the CAT is in good shape--i.e. not nagging me for being on the computer as long as I've been ce soir.

Actually this is scary. Since when do things go THIS well, even for a day? At first I thought that I was gonna pay big time for this. Then I realized how hellish the last few days have been. Maybe I got it all dumped in one day? Oh who cares, I'll cope with it somehow.

So, I hesitate to say this, but all is cool, at least tonight.

Maybe that's (to misquote someone) all I know on earth and all I need to know?

Thanks again Pauly, you da best.
Thank you God for everything.
Thank you St. Michael for the help.
Please watch over us all.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Land of Confusion

Remember how JC Superstar starts? "My mind is clearer now. At last I can see all too well where we all soon will be"?? Well that is the opposite of me. I just spent 3 hours talking with that man (M) and although things are much better, or feel that way, I have no idea exactly how we got there. Or even where we wound up, except that it was in a better place.

He was very angry at first. Was going to quit and as he said, use a 2x4. Fortunately, that passed. I had a feeling when he invited me for coffee it wasn't going to be pleasant and it wasn't at first. He had, admittedly, not done anything about L because sometimes things clear up on their own. Does that sound like (pardon me, men) a typical male 'stick your head in the sand' approach? It did to me. He's right, sometimes it does work but the problem with that approach is that if a solution does not pop up, things get much much worse, and they sure did in this case. He was sorry for that. For my part, I explained that I didn't see him doing anything, things got worse and worse so I just turned up the volume until I thought I had his attention. He agreed that this shouldn't have been needed (but was). He also was 'doing something' but I had not and could not see it, which sure didn't help. So he was surprised when I blew up and I was frustrated. We understand each other now.

At first he said that I was judgemental. That I'd made a rash judgement about the idiot running the parking lot and L was another one. I pointed out that the parking lot idiot had called me 4 times in one week, which is excessive by anyone's book. He agreed. Then re the judgemental bit, I noted that I am very well liked where I work, with clients and co workers. Judgemental folks do NOT get that kind of response. Also, that I would not be as strong as I am in my field had I been judgemental. Finally, I said that if you hit someone on the head enough, they are going to get pissed. I asked how far L had to go in assaulting me (used the term 'stab' I think) before I was allowed to be angry about it. He was also afraid that I was going to blow up at her, and I had promised to 'let her have it'. I would have too, but not in the way he feared. I challenged him to identify a time when I'd been rude. He couldn't think of one. That got the point across.

M said that she's from an admin group of females, and that kind of climate always includes backstabbing and viciousness. He is right, I used to manage a group like that. That does not make her behaviour acceptable, it only explains it. For our part, I pointed out that P and I only want a peaceful place to work, and that this is not asking much. He agreed, and said that he had taken over sole and total responsibility for teaching the little idiot, and would keep her away from us (doesn't this sound stupidly naieve?). That is your prerogative, I said. He felt that when I said that the two of us (P and A) were going to leave if she stays, that it was an 'us or her' thing. I denied it. I said that I don't threaten, I mean and do exactly what I say, period. Would he rather not know? He understood. We can choose where to work.

He intends to improve her behaviour, knowledge and attitude. I pointed out that it is his theory that personality can't be changed. He agreed, but we also noted that behaviour can be changed, and after that follows attitude and personality. But it takes time, effort and focus. He said that she doesn't have that much time and he'd make it happen.I remain skeptical.

This one big PIA person. But we'll see.

He is still talking about bringing in at least two people I know are good, get along and will not hurt our reputation. He wanted to bring in one more. I asked if she in any way, shape or form resembled L. He swore not. We'll see. That would be one mistake too many for me. You know, people mistakes are forever. You can teach technical stuff, but a jerk is a jerk. And jerks, not being in high demand, tend to stay put wherever they are.

'Wouldn't it be lovely'? Oh, let's hope for the best.

I (tried to) reassure him that I do NOT want his job, had refused the title four bosses ago when it was offered to me but agreed to do the work. He knew that. Also mentioned that I know what his job is, and mine. Asked if he could remember any time when I'd given him bad advice. Of course the answer was no. I do want this man to succeed (thinking that hiring idiots is not part of success but oh well). He genuinely wants to give L a break. Fine that's his prerogative. I reminded him of all the people hired (in admin) who started out great and then turned into jerks the minute they were staffed. He noted that he has ways of dealing with that and preventing it. OKKKKKK we'll see.

When he first joined us, he wrote an e mail to a female pal (very close one) that said in part "A is a lady professional, and requires special handling/attention". To me that sounded like "well, she's a woman, they all love me so hey I have to be careful". Told him that too. He swears that although he doesn't remember what he meant by this wording, he didn't mean it that way. I am keeping an open but jaded mind here. See other posts for details. Where women are concerned, although he seems to see me as Quasimoto, there are similarities. A lot of them. I'm sick of that entire side of him and have decided to totally and absolutely ignore it. It makes me feel physically ill thinking about it. Enough, just f'in enough.

So his cold 'goodbye' last night was an 'I quit', but he decided against it. That's good for all. I explained my role as someone watering an abandoned garden, keeping the plants alive. And he is a master gardener (no cracks about fertilizer, please). I had no intention of staying in this organization if I was the cause of him leaving, but I couldn't believe that he would leave over that. He agreed, said that he was just angry. I respect his knowledge. He does have integrity as far as a fair number of things go, and I like that too. Otherwise I am not where I once was. I'm not in love with him. Too much hurt, pain and frankly, dishonesty (well that's what it feels like). Once that door's shut, it's shut. And it is firmly closed now. I feel safe behind it too.

That question re Valentine's Day still offends me but it's the (not too graceful) reaction of someone who's for all intents and purposes been married most of his adult life. He doesn't understand single. It still makes me feel like the Beast (and I also said that again today) but that's more my problem than his. He just adds gasoline to the fire. His thing with women is an instinct. A damn hurtful one. It is not as deliberate as some I've seen but still...ouch and ick.

So where does that leave me in this long winded item?

Frankly I want to cry but can't get worked up enough over it, being emotionally drained and fed up with (a) the subject of L and (b) worrying about him. There's a vague sense of 'he'll learn' and more than a little fed-up-edness (re the female thing). Mostly I'm relieved that we're on good terms again but this fire has flared up so many times that the skin will not grow back the same way it once was. This is not a good thing. It isn't a terrible thing. But it's heart skin--sensitive tissue is becoming scar tissue. At least, that's what it feels like.

He's what this group and the profession needs. It's just that where once I had unwavering, unconditional and total support, love and friendship; now I have support and unconditional friendship type of love and a firmly shut door. The bonfire's turned into a small steady fire. The change in heat is very marked.

It's a damn big change.

I will always like and in 99.9% of ways, support this man. He's a friend. But there's a hurt, a bad one. I hope it goes away in time.
posted by Bridget Jones at 7:29 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 14, 2005

Shot Through the Heart and You're to Blame

Had an even MORE spectacular day today. Thought I had a freakin' dentist appointment (I didn't, it is not for 2 more weeks). Rushed into work after a not so great weekend. Mom insisted on going grocery shopping, had an angina attack--a big one--in the middle of it. Scared the #$% out of me, and it was pretty tough to manage. Turned out OK in the end but a horrid end to a week. So I get into work, and M (Gorgeous Boss, remember?) told me (a) he'd bought a coffee for me (yay) and (b) he'd invited the Bitch to go to a particularly tough meeting that we had on in the afternoon. That meant a cast of thousands (6) at what was supposed to be a delicate negotiation (2)--including the Bitch, who can't keep her tactless mouth shut under any circumstances. I was furious and confronted him on it. Said that he is biased where this one is concerned, and if she did keep her mouth shut I'd buy him a coffee.

I could see by his expression he was interpreting this as a challenge to his boss-ship. It wasn't. This woman is a prize winning idiot and so was the man we were meeting with. I called my pal P at home (he was sick). Told him about the meeting. He had had a talk with M on Friday about the Bitch, and as a result M decided that (a) he--M--would manage the woman himself as he committed to do months ago; and (b) that the reason that P didn't like the Bitch was because I didn't (I'm A).

That didn't sound like P at all. So we talked ce matin. Turns out I'm right, P told M that we (P and A) are a LOT alike, and what bothers me, bothers him and vice versa. I let M know that...and he said that I had misunderstood him. BS again! I remember very clearly what he said. P is being courted by our old boss, someone I'm not nuts about, to go back to work for her. I asked P to put us as a 2 for 1 deal (if he goes, I go too). This means a big cut in pay for me, about $18,000 a year, but I don't want to work in a group full of bitches.

This woman is killing our office , taking credit for other peoples' work, bad mouthing us behind our backs and doing no work (actually the little she did is so f'd up it's taking me hours to fix it). On top of it, this charmer is loud, obnoxious, very opinionated and rude. A real prize. Why is she here? She's francophone. That's the only 'in' I can see, unless she and M are an item. Nahhh, he'd have to be deaf to put up with her. P said that if it were he, he wouldn't go. I thought this an excellent idea--if the Bitch is so great, let her perform. I asked M and he agreed. The meeting was over in 20 minutes.

This is getting tired. I"M getting DAMN tired. I have a life to run, I'm way over loaded (we're down 2 people--one quit, one's sick). I have a very sick Mother to contend with plus a private life (despite what GB thinks) and health issues on top of that. I don't need the hassle of dealing with a first class asshole PLUS a boss who thinks that she's gold.

M and I talked about The Bitch in the afternoon. He had a hard time believing she's that bad. I said fine, if you want to manage a group with her in it, it will not have P or A in it. Do whatever you want. It's his perogative to hire who he wants, and its ours to work where we want. He didn't like that. Wants to make up his own mind and so far is not impressed (yah, that'll change, give it half an hour). He is confusing pride/rank with common sense. I am so so so tired and ready to give up. Any other normal person would have seen through this idiot in a month. We've had 6 of them. And yet the man has to see for himself. Well, this afternoon while she was being 'coached' she was standing over him and his chair. Cozy. Like she was trying to hatch him.

Sick. He asked me if I was in a bad mood because of Valentine's day!!! I explained that just because I am single does not mean that I lack male attention. I have more than I want of that. I don't think he believed me, but I sincerely hope that's that. I don't want to have to make introductions. Even the non-pretty, non-gorgeous have lovers and friends. Guess he can't understand that.

My ex was like him that way. I happened to be very good looking then, and I couldn't stand his attitude. No one wants to be a sex object to the person they marry. It's degrading.

He (M) hit on a woman manager twice during two different meetings on Friday. I was at both of them. The woman rolled her eyes the second time he did it. His ego's so big he didn't even notice. I sure did, I was facing her and worse than that, sitting next to her boss. It was embarrassing.

The man is a jerk about women. He can't help it, he just is. Otherwise, he has manners, poise, and intelligence. But with women...I just don't want to be in the room if there are attractive blondes around. It's too much to handle. And it kills my respect for him. Well, OK it wounds it.

He was very unhappy about the type of day it had been. There were other 'scandals' underway. I took steps to get action on some of them. And somehow managed to get a lot of work done. But as we were leaving he said that days like this make him want to retire. He said he'd make up his mind tomorrow.

Now what am I to say to that? Oh please stay, flirt with and manipulate me---make me pine and droop over you so that you can continue to reject me? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't think so.

I was silent except for saying 'oh-oh'.He walked me most of the way to my car. I gave him a brief hug, tried to make him feel better. He tolerated it. We chatted for a bit and I asked if we were cool. He said something about work---like 'there's lots to be done' or something stupid like that. I objected, saying that in older times, he would have said "it's okay'. He didn't, and repeated the work thing. And said 'goodbye' in a very clear, cold way.

I turned and walked away. OK that's all, that's it. He hadn't noticed, I guess, that romantically/flirtically speaking, I'd said goodbye a week ago. The day I decided to not kill myself. Guess for some folks it isn't over till they think it is, regardless of what the other thinks.

Or maybe it doesn't matter what you think unless you're blonde/pretty?


posted by Bridget Jones

Saturday, February 12, 2005


OK world, I'm back. So is Mom. She's weak but improving. As am I. Had trachitis, which is what put the Pope in the hospital. I was off work for two weeks. While I was sick the siblings, who I love dearly, finally got their acts together and helped Mom. About bleeping time. While I was off sick, could only sleep. Not eat. So lost weight, and had to focus on me (health), which is something I rarely do.

My colleagues were away at the same time. One has retinal detachment, one quit, the other had flu. Gorgeous boss (let's call him M) was alone. Well not completely alone, he had the intern (a real bitch) who does no work. By the time I got back, the work had piled up.

At one point recently, M told me that 'as recently as this summer' some gorgeous thing had offered to have a baby with him. Oh how that hurt. Cut me to the soul. I couldn't breathe when he said that. When we talked the next day (I was madder then), he apologized for being a jerk. It helped a little but not much. Had been feeling like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast in the first place, this made it so much worse. He'd been married, claimed to love me and was having an affair at the same time.

Between that, the bitch (L), a spat with a friend, overwork, being sleep deprived, in debt, still weak from illness and the nut who runs the parking lot where I park calling me as much as four times a week, I was in a lot of pain. And was pretty confused re M.

M told me 'ditto' when I said that I loved him. Said that it was good that I'm not blonde (he goes for blonde model types and boy they LOVE him). Was glad when I told him that I quit dating because all I do is talk about him.

This is a gorgeous, smart, prominent man. Who goes for blonde models. And is attracted to ME? Even though we are cut from the same cloth, finish each other's sentences, etc,. that does not make sense. He is a Richard Gere clone, I am brunette, smart aleky and cute. Not Quasimoto but still not a blonde model.

It did hit me that he might have pretended to have feelings for me to be accepted at work (I'm kind of a strong player there). That was a deadly thought that I can't get out of my mind. Not that I'm Quasimoto, but still it was convenient. I would not have done anthing differently, I am a consumate professional. But he didn't know that at the time.

For those of you who don't know, 'yes' or 'no' are not problems. Pain isn't either, they make things for that. But uncertainty is mind poison. And that's where I was, neck deep in it. It put me into so much pain, such exquisite torture, that I couldn't take it one more second. I decided that I wanted out. OUT out. Not in anger, not to get back at him or make him sorry, just to get out of the pain.

Problem was, I didn't have enough meds to do it. So I kept my shrink appointment, to refill my prescription. THEN I'd do it. I was not going to tell her about being suicidal.

You guessed it. Miss Big Mouth here told her. And bless her heart, my doctor said (a) not to take everything M says at face value. He is a womanizer, how can you trust him? Did I mention that I'm very gullible? Well I am; (b) that I always have trouble sleeping in spring; (c) that even if he forgets his boundaries and keeps running hot and cold, that I can respect my own boundaries and make up my own mind.

So I did. And she trusted me enough to give me a three month prescription! Enough to kill several folks, but when she said those things a light went on. I'm stronger and more determined than ever to get back to health.

I talked to M and told him what the shrink said. He said that I'd misunderstood his feelings, we're just pals (bs!). He'd hit on a blonde manager twice in meetings I'd been in, one was that day. She rolled her eyes the second time and ignored him both times. Those things, as well as what the shrink had said, made him look like an ass in my mind. Yes I love him and always will, but he is a jerk/ass about women, especially blondes. That's a non negotiable in my book. Why get into something with a guy I can't trust?

So I"m much stronger. Still shaky, like a colt, but getting there. Have been working with a good self-esteem text, am working out at the gym, lost weight and am eating healthier than ever before. I don't need to put him down to feel better, just needed to understand. I was so very confused before. Now I get it. And that helps.

Joined a few dating sites. THAT was a mistake! Got some nice answers, but got scared and dropped off of the sites. So if you are Sean K and are reading this, I'm very sorry honey. You are gorgeous but I'm a chicken and not ready. Had no business being on that site.

Man I hope no one reads this. You'll think I'm bonkers!